Blog, Interrupted
When I started this blog, I had great intentions of writing weekly posts. (A desire I still have.) But a strange thing happened in the midst of all of my pain, anger and humiliation after finding out I was married to a gay man.
Life.
Since we didn’t separate or divorce immediately, life started to get back to normal. Well, not the old normal, but a new normal. A new normal that doesn’t include him trying to stomach another sexual encounter with me. A new normal that has us living our lives as roommates, not lovers. A new normal that doesn’t worry when he’s a little late, but secretly wishes that perhaps there’s been an awful accident on the slippery roads.
But, friends, don’t misunderstand me. I absolutely hate this new normal, this fraudulent life I now live. But just when I think I’m ready to end all of this absurdity, I get cold feet. Or he suggests we go on a trip. “What fool would pass up a vacation?” I ask myself. Not me. Not right now. So off we go. Is it completely enjoyable? Of course not. But enjoyable enough that I buy myself a little more time in this crazy game of “Let’s Pretend”. A game we are both good at, but neither of us can ultimately win.
Now that the kids have started another school year and our days are more structured again, I once again start to wonder, “how much longer?”. It’s a question I silently ask over and over. And since I don’t have any idea, I keep myself stuck.
I often wonder, what will happen when I can’t contain the screaming inside my head and heart any longer and give voice to the utter agony that has taken up residence in my soul? And who will be near me when that voice finally finds itself?
Thanks for sticking with me on this journey. I’m so appreciative of the comments some of you have left and I plan to answer some of you directly. It means a great deal to me that I’m not all alone, and I don’t want any of you to be either.
Take care straight spouses, closeted or not.
The Closeted Straight Spouse 