The Closeted Wife
As I pass the 2-1/2 year mark since discovering that my husband is actually gay, I find my whole perspective gradually shifting. This has surprised me somewhat.
When I first found out about his penchant for men, I desperately wanted to keep him in the home for the sake of preserving my children’s family as well as my own lifestyle. Getting him to agree to that wasn’t too difficult since he wasn’t ready to declare his homosexuality to the world or leave his children. So in those early post-discovery days, I willingly became the closeted straight to his closeted gay. My whole focus at the time was hanging on to what we had for as long as possible, regardless of the personal costs.
Much to my surprise, my feelings have slowly changed and I now find myself with a different set of desires and motivations. Though I am still absolutely terrified of being abandoned and what that will do to our young children, I find myself more and more fantasizing about my post-married-to-a-gay-man life.
He decided months ago, as I have mentioned in a previous post, that our wedding rings were no longer needed. I reluctantly took mine off because I was still playing the part of a married woman and wasn’t ready to let that part of the charade go. But I’ve slowly become accustomed to not wearing them and now prefer to go ringless. At least on my left hand.
Over some time now, I’ve also let myself develop an attraction to another man. A single dad. He’s an acquaintance at best, but that doesn’t matter. And although I have no true delusions that I have any sort of a future with him, this secret “crush” provides me a welcome outlet to my current dismal situation. All was fine until my gay husband and I took the kids to the movies and of all the show times and all the local theaters, “he” was there with his kids as well. Same movie, same theatre, even the same damn row. I could not believe it.
Quite frankly, it was nearly impossible for me to concentrate on the movie because I was so obsessed with him not seeing me there with the gay guy. Though admittedly we don’t know each other that well, I’ve purposely given the illusion that I, too, am a single parent. So seeing him there while being with my “on paper only” husband made me furious. And it made me face the fact that I have gradually gone from a closeted straight spouse to a closeted wife, diligently working to keep my marital status under wraps with the slimmest of hope that he, or someone else, might someday be interested in me as well.
What does the future hold for me and my secret crush? Probably nothing. But this encounter at the movies gave me a big push in the direction of finally extracting myself from this impossible situation.
How big of a push? I’m looking for an attorney right now.
Dramatica said,
April 12, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Dear Closeted Wife,
I have been where you are. Your life will only get better now that you have decided to live life honestly. I stayed in the closet with my gay husband (now ex) for four months and it almost killed me. Trust me, life is better alone than living a lie. Check out http://www.dramaticadealswith.com/2009/12/my-husband-is-gay-and-im-not/.
There are lots of blog posts about about Divorce from a Gay Man at http://www.DramaticaDealsWith.com. Check it out. Hope it helps.
Dramatica
KM said,
May 1, 2010 at 3:02 am
Dear Closeted Wife,
The beginning of your post, of your story, mirrors my experience right now. My husband is in the process of realizing he is gay, hasn’t fully admitted it yet. Thank you for your post- it helped me to understand where I am now and to see that it’s normal and ok to have different needs as time goes on, and that I won’t be stuck like this.
All the best as you take your next step. It sounds like you’re behaving with self-integrity.