Friends with benefits
Being the closeted straight spouse to my gay husband often leads my thoughts down paths I’d never thought they’d go. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the current state of our relationship. It’s actually pretty good, all things considered. We get along generally well, have a mutual interest in caring for and raising our children, and enjoy similar activities. In fact, the public family life we have today is not that much different than the one pre-discovery.
Of course, there are many things that have changed behind closed doors. There is no longer any attempt at a sex life, where there once was (as dismal as it was). There are no more “I love yous”, hand holding, kissing or physical contact of any kind. I’m pretty lonely, and if I let my mind go too far down this path of despair, I could easily spend the rest of the day sobbing; yearning for the genuine love and affection of a man.
So why do I stay? Despite the fact that we get along, I certainly didn’t plan on being attached, legally and emotionally, to a man who couldn’t truly love me. Lately, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Why stay? Well, if I were honest, it’s because I still get something out of this relationship. It’s my own version of the current trend of “Friends with Benefits”. Of course, my benefits don’t include a great night of sex. But I do still stay at home with my kids, go shopping, volunteer at school and church, go out to eat, get taken on vacations and continue to be listed as beneficiary on a variety of policies, including medical insurance.
While for now everything seems to be settling into this “married friends” phase, I know that like most other phases in life, this will one day pass. The challenge for me is not to let myself become so comfortable in this calm period that I get the rug pulled out from under me when he decides he’s had enough of the fake straight life.
When might that be? I only wish I knew.
Kathy said,
November 8, 2009 at 9:34 am
You are not alone here. I went through the same thing in 2001. I have written about it on a Squidoo Lens here if you would like to read it:
http://www.squidoo.com/straightspouse
The good news is that it can get better. My heart goes out to you in what you are dealing with.
valancy said,
December 2, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I so know what you are going through……I’m still here too. I love him, he loves me, we.re great friends, been together 27 years…..but when is he going to get tired of the fake straight life? when will it become too much for me? My kids still don’t know!
Me = i’ve gone back to school….
abby 01475 said,
May 20, 2010 at 4:36 am
I’m new at this I just found out my husband is gay and I’m straight we have five beautiful kids,a beautiful home he says he still loves me gets me gifts, and flowers I agree friends with benefits it might not be so bad after all I’m still in the confusing stage, on what to do…..