My gaydar has gone awry
In the last two years since the “discovery”, I’ve been forced to face all things gay like never before. And since my sense of self and confidence has been all but destroyed, I find myself as confused as my gay husband.
When I dare let myself think of a life after he leaves me, I’m struck by the overwhelming fear of somehow gravitating to yet another gay guy. Since I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years (half of my life), I have no other adult, healthy relationships to compare this one with. And I’m left to deal with the devastating reality that I have never been loved.
So where does that leave me? A girl with no reliable gaydar, trying to move on.
I’m guessing he could pick one out right away. Obviously, my skills are lacking, or I wouldn’t now be tethered to the guy I am. Just when I think I’ve got this gay thing down, I find out I’m wrong. We both get our hair cut from the same stylist. A guy. Stereotypes being what they are, plus my own observations, I sorta kinda suspect that this guy could be one of “them”. Even though he recently married…a girl.
When I bring this up to my husband, he says no way. For now, I’ll have to concede to his expertise. But a small part of me wonders if somewhere down the road, this new bride will find herself in my shoes. For her sake, I hope I’m wrong.
More and more, I’m learning just how much his deceit has taken from me. And I can’t help but wonder, how much more of myself I’ll lose before this whole thing is over.
Misti said,
November 1, 2009 at 5:40 am
I just found your blog. My heart goes out to you. I was married to a gay man. It is a heartbreak to discover your spouse is gay. Get support through a trustworhty friend and/or family member. Nurture yourself and nurture your needs. Carrying the burden of his secret can be unbearable, at best. Wishing you the best.
anonymous said,
November 6, 2009 at 5:26 am
Hello
I am not in your situation but I do hear your pain.
I would like to perhaps suggest, with the greatest humility
perhaps look into “The Work”. As you like to write, these writing exercises can help you get much more clearer about your position. It’s for free on the web, just google “The Work Byron katie”.
For example:
when you write- “I have never been loved throughout my marriage [because my husband's orientation]“. Can you seek the courage to ask: “Is it true?” “Can I be absolutely sure it is true?” and the 64 million dollar question “Who would I be without that thought, ‘ I have never been loved’ ?”
If you can, give this writing exercise a try. It can really break barriers..
Sincerely, all the best
G.
KM said,
May 1, 2010 at 3:09 am
Oh, I feel your pain and uncertainty! My gaydar is horrible as well; I have a history of dating gay men and now have a gay husband to top it all off.
Something that has been helping me is to start reflecting on myself, and what aspects of myself have led to me wanting to be with gay men, or asking what purpose the relationship with a gay man served me. I’ve learned that I have a history of fearing sex (religion, upbringing), so tended toward asexual relationships. When and if we split up, I think I might see a therapist about this so I don’t make the same mistake again.